What the *** is wrong with you?”
That’s what I wanted to say as I watched someone on my team exhibit behavior that needed feedback. But instead of reacting, I paused. Taking a deep breath, I said, ‘That’s interesting. Are you open to hearing a different perspective?’”
That simple question often changes everything. Asking for permission creates an opening for dialogue and, most importantly, an avenue to offer feedback without turning it into a confrontation.
Giving feedback as a manager is one of the most critical and challenging parts of the job. You want everyone on the team performing at their best, not just for their own sake, but for the team’s overall success. But let’s face it; telling someone they need to adjust their approach or fix an issue is never easy.
I learned the hard way how important constructive feedback is. Without it, people miss out on opportunities to grow and improve. And as a manager, dodging these conversations can leave you with a frustrated, underperforming team.
What Is Feedback, Really, and Why Does it Matter?
Feedback isn’t something you save for annual performance reviews. It’s an ongoing process in day-to-day conversations, whether you align on goals, discuss improvements, or even ask for input on your own leadership.
But let’s be real; feedback is tricky. Done poorly, it can feel like judgment, leaving people defensive or demotivated. Just hearing the words, “I need to give you some feedback,” can make people brace themselves. Some managers avoid it altogether, afraid of sparking conflict. Others—what I call “pleasers”—are so afraid of upsetting people that they sugarcoat feedback or avoid giving it entirely. Neither approach works.
I’ve been on the receiving end of this kind of feedback. I had a “non-confrontational manager” or “pleaser” who was so afraid of upsetting me that he avoided giving meaningful feedback altogether. He sugarcoated everything, even when there was a clear issue to address. I remember feeling let down and stuck, unsure how to grow or improve. I hated it, and that frustration has stuck with me.
At its core, feedback is about growth. It’s about helping people see their behaviors clearly and giving them the tools to improve. Sometimes, it’s about pointing out unconscious habits holding them back. Other times, it’s about celebrating strengths they don’t realize they have.
When done properly, feedback is not about judgment but about caring. It’s saying, “I see your potential, and I want to help you get there.” It is not always easy, but it is always worth it.
The Art of Giving Feedback
Giving feedback that works starts with a thoughtful approach. First, always ask for permission first. Something as simple as, “Hey, are you open to some feedback?” sets the stage for a collaborative conversation. It shows respect and ensures the person is ready to listen. Jumping into feedback without permission feels intrusive and puts the other person on the defensive.
Focus on behavior, not personality. Feedback works best when it’s about specific actions, not someone’s character. For example, instead of saying, “You’re careless with deadlines,” try, “I noticed the report was submitted late this week, and it affected the team’s timeline.” Keeping it fact-based and neutral makes it clear you’re addressing the behavior, not who they are.
Be specific. Vague feedback such as, “You need to step it up,” helps no one. Instead, give concrete examples so they know exactly what you mean. For example, “In the last meeting, you cut in a few times while others were speaking. It might help to pause and let everyone finish their thoughts before jumping in.” That makes your feedback actionable, not confusing.
Balance is key. The feedback shouldn’t feel like a list of complaints. Start by recognizing what’s working. For instance: “Your presentations are always clear and well-organized. Focusing a bit more on engaging the audience instead of watching your slides can be even more impactful.” Balancing positive reinforcement with constructive suggestions keeps the conversation productive and encouraging.
Timing matters. Feedback is most effective when it’s fresh given soon after the behavior or issue. Waiting too long makes it less relevant. At the same time, don’t rush into it. Take a moment to organize your thoughts so you can approach the conversation with clarity.
Follow up. Lastly, feedback isn’t a onetime thing; check in to see how things are going, whether they are successful or need further help. Feedback should feel like an ongoing partnership, not a one-off critique.
Tailoring Feedback to Different Personalities
Not everyone receives feedback the same way, and your approach can make all the difference.
Introverts mostly need time to process any feedback and may not respond immediately. Giving them space to reflect and following up later works better than expecting an instant reaction.
“Perfect” types could be resistant feedback since they perceive it as superfluous or a challenge to their capabilities. Framing suggestions as opportunities to build on their strengths helps to ease their resistance.
Defensive personalities can make feedback feel like a battle. They may react emotionally or deflect blame. Sticking to facts and focusing on solutions keeps the conversation grounded and productive.
Overwhelmed individuals, especially those dealing with stress or burnout, may see feedback as an added burden. Keeping it concise and offering support makes it easier for them to engage and act.
High achievers, who often hold themselves to very high standards, can interpret feedback as failure. Balancing reinforcement with refinement—showing them what’s working while suggesting improvements; can help them view feedback to excel even further.
Feedback isn’t one-size-fits-all. Adjusting your approach to fit the individual makes it easier for them to absorb what you’re saying and use it to grow.
Welcome Feedback, Don’t Fear It
I have had a complicated relationship with feedback; I used to fear it, but over time, I learned how to do it right. I realized it’s not just about what you say, but about understanding you’re dealing with people’s emotions. It’s the listening, honesty, and showing that you’re there to help that make feedback meaningful. Building trust and rapport isn’t optional.
Feedback isn’t always comfortable; sometimes, it is challenging for both sides, especially when emotions are involved. That’s why your intent matters. It should be about helping, not criticizing; about offering support, not adding to someone’s stress.
As a manager, feedback isn’t about fixing people, it’s about helping your team improve. Start small; use moments like casual chats or a quick coffee break to share considered feedback. Focus on listening first, and don’t try to fix everything at once. Build confidence in these conversations, and feedback will become a natural part of your leadership.
Don’t fear feedback. Embrace it. When it’s thoughtful and genuine, it becomes a powerful tool for growth, trust, and progress; for both you and your team.